it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
