I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
