Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
