YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
