A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize