Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
