I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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