the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
