the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize