If i come over, it means nothing
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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