1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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