I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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