im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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