dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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