now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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