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I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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