she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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