somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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