There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize