Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
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