Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
