I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
did i just pee glitter
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
