If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This show inspires me to have sex in space
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
