just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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