Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just tell him i said nine months
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
