i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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