I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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