I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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