the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There's always time for handjobs
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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