all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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