I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
