he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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