I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
