LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
