It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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