Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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