Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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