after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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