I got chris browned last night
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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