god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
