I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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