just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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