u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
