Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
