atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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