Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
