That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
