So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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