I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
