i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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