Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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