So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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