apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
