There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
