it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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